We have been thinking of adopting since 2006 but are just now actually doing it.
We have sent our papers off but got returned due to missing information. Now
they are off again. Lets see how long this journey will take.
Our first meeting was March 15
Where they told us the basics of adoption. I was surprised to hear that the French
can adopt black babies from America. Apparently Americans will adopt handicap
babies before a black babies so there are a lot of unwanted black babies :(
Our next meeting was Sept 8th (6 months after the first one)
This was a 3 hour long meeting where each couple went around the room
telling why they wanted to adopt. I was surprised that each couple really
picked the exact baby for who they were. By this I mean a Dr. couple wanted
a handicap child. A couple whos work is placing them in Vietnam wanted a
Vietnamese child. I thought everyone would be fighting for all the same kids
but its not the case at all.
Our next meeting is Oct 6th
Had our meeting this morning, it was a meeting with just Michael and I
and our case worker. She gave us a lot of worst case scenarios and
asked if we were prepared for any of those stories. In truth.. no.
A child that wont attach to us or talk to us or is violent is
not what I imagined. She said a lot of times kids hide aggression and test you and
push their limits. The boy that we are dreaming of is not what we were going to
get is basically what she wanted to make clear.
We went through the pros and cons of adopting a child that is 5 vs one that
is 8-10. We arent sure how young of a child we can get Michael would like him between
5-7 everything I have read because of our age suggest realistically 7-10.
If you put on your dossier you would like a child 7-10 they will give you the 10 year old.
We will first try 5-8 and see what happens.
Our next meeting is at the end of the month, Mdm Lamothe will
come to our house and meet Tatiana and interview her.
We will have several more meetings and 1 meeting with a psychiatrist.
Im trying to do as much research in the mean time.
We also thought of adopting a child out of a foster home in the US.
We are open to doing the same here.
Oct 26, 2017
Tom and Julie are here from Texas visiting and we
also get a home visit from Mdm Lamothe. Tatiana is
here so she gets interviewed as well. The interview takes
4 exhausting hours (Michael has a client so he has to leave, they set up another apt)
Tati and I stay and continue, it is so difficult for me to do it all in French.
I start to get really hungry it is now 1:30, she has been here too
long talking way too much, giving us example after
example of adoptions gone wrong. Her point being watch for
flags when you meet the child, that is what your taking home. She also
said what a healthy child in the 1st world is very different from
a healthy in the 3rd world. Another interesting thing was to be aware of different
cultures, being a latina we do lots of hugging. In Russia, Ukraine the Eastern countries do
not hug, you will get a child that is not use to being touched. In Africa there is lots
of hugging an African child loves hugs, I never thought of that, there is still
so much for me to learn.
She talked about how your dossier has
to be exact if you say you want a boy from 5-7 but get an 8 year old you
have to have your dossier changed or you wont be able to bring him into France.
She also told us that only one certificate is given a month, I thought I misunderstood but
no only one certificate a month is given in the Gironde. We are in line to get ours in Jan!
Michael meets her for a one on one interview on Nov 3 and
I have a one on one with her Nov 13. His interview went well he was asked
about his parenting style and how he was raised.
We have finally got our psy apt for Nov 20
In the mean time Michael sold a house to a Colombian lady whos father is
a very well connected man in Bogotá. We asked her to help us find a good
orphanage, her father is friends with the head of Bienestar in Colombia and gave
us the contact to "casa de madre y niño" We contacted them and they gave
us Diaphanie agency in Paris who they work with. I have contacted Sophie and
all we need is our certificate in order to move forward.
In the mean time I am doing all kinds of research on Adoption trauma,
bonding and parenting an adoption child which is totally different then parenting your own.
I have the book Grace Based Parenting to re-read and spiritual parenting videos to watch.
My meeting with Mdm Lamothe on the 13th went very well. She went
through different scenarios as what to expect. Told me all the nightmare
stories from her experience and told me to go on line and read more, the reason
being you will be prepared if you see any signs from the stories you have read.
She told me to listen to Tatiana and her opinion of the child. She will not
be seeing through adult eyes which are more forgiving but will see
the child for what he is. She also said to really watch when the boy is
playing with other kids, does he have friends, is he kind to others? Does he
laugh if someone is hurt? Is he competitive? Is he alone in a corner?
You will learn a lot just watching how he plays with others.
We talked about attachment, is he attached to anyone at the orphanage?
Was he attached to his mother or father? Does he want to be adopted?
No sense adopting a child who is waiting for his mother he will never attach to you.
She told me a story about a little girl who's mom was a prostitute and use to
bring her clients home and have sex in front of her, both men and women.
The little girl saw her mom get beaten by clients, then one day she disappeared.
The little girl was adopted by a couple here in France and will not attach. The little
girl wants to know if her mom is alive and if she is coming back to get her. Even though
she has been given a loving and caring home she wants her real mom.
She also suggested I look at adoption in Chile.
They have one of the best programs in the world. The government there has a program for
children called SENAME the minute a child is born a file is started. This file follows you for
the rest of your life. When a child goes into an orphanage they already know everything about him/her. SENAME decides who is eligible for adoption. Your adoption agency will work with them
not the orphanage. They will look at the entire countries database for a match. This sounds
like such a excellent system because if the orphanage your agency is working with doesnt
have a match you have to find another agent or wait for a match. In Chile they look at ALL the orphanages for a match. I heard they take it very seriously and do give you the perfect match.
It does take time, its 6 months to get approved then a year to get matched.
I've emailed the one agency that works with Chile and am waiting for there response.
______________________
Today is March 5h 2018
We have been waiting for the therapist to fill out her paperwork. I have
to admit I did lose my patience, how is it possible she hasnt had time
to fill out her paperwork in 3 months!! Every time we called LaMotte
she told us there was nothing we could do about it but wait.
How is this allowed? There should be a time limit for her to have to hand
in her paperwork. No wonder people give up.
Today we called LaMotte again and our paperwork was finally turned in.
Bad news is we are the only adopting families this month so the committee has decided
not to meet till next month aargggg!!!
We have an appointment to get our seal of approval on April 12 2018.
________________________
Today is March 27
We got a call saying our paperwork was ready to be proofed for the April meeting
Michael read every line
May 11th
We finally got our papers!!! I had to go pick them up due to
May holidays and postal strikes. Ive sent them off to the agent.
its now June 13
I had no idea how much paperwork was involved in adoption. Now we have to…
1. Do a letter of intention (why we want to adopt)
2. Have our doctor fill out a medical certificate
3. go see a therapist thats in Paris, we have an apt first week of July.
4. do a family album, I started one on Shutterfly
5. fill out a financial record
6. get 3 reference letters
7. fill out a form on what kind of illness or handicap we will accept (it even asks if we will accept a kid with warts on their butt)
8. They need photos of us showing our feet (which is kinda funny)
9. All documents need to be apostilled
10. Do a family tree of both sides of family
11. We need recent copies of birth certificates and marriage license.
Once all this is done, I hand it in to the agent, she gets it translated and sends it to Colombia
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Had our meeting this morning, it was a meeting with just Michael and I
and our case worker. She gave us a lot of worst case scenarios and
asked if we were prepared for any of those stories. In truth.. no.
A child that wont attach to us or talk to us or is violent is
not what I imagined. She said a lot of times kids hide aggression and test you and
push their limits. The boy that we are dreaming of is not what we were going to
get is basically what she wanted to make clear.
We went through the pros and cons of adopting a child that is 5 vs one that
is 8-10. We arent sure how young of a child we can get Michael would like him between
5-7 everything I have read because of our age suggest realistically 7-10.
If you put on your dossier you would like a child 7-10 they will give you the 10 year old.
We will first try 5-8 and see what happens.
Our next meeting is at the end of the month, Mdm Lamothe will
come to our house and meet Tatiana and interview her.
We will have several more meetings and 1 meeting with a psychiatrist.
Im trying to do as much research in the mean time.
We also thought of adopting a child out of a foster home in the US.
We are open to doing the same here.
Oct 26, 2017
Tom and Julie are here from Texas visiting and we
also get a home visit from Mdm Lamothe. Tatiana is
here so she gets interviewed as well. The interview takes
4 exhausting hours (Michael has a client so he has to leave, they set up another apt)
Tati and I stay and continue, it is so difficult for me to do it all in French.
I start to get really hungry it is now 1:30, she has been here too
long talking way too much, giving us example after
example of adoptions gone wrong. Her point being watch for
flags when you meet the child, that is what your taking home. She also
said what a healthy child in the 1st world is very different from
a healthy in the 3rd world. Another interesting thing was to be aware of different
cultures, being a latina we do lots of hugging. In Russia, Ukraine the Eastern countries do
not hug, you will get a child that is not use to being touched. In Africa there is lots
of hugging an African child loves hugs, I never thought of that, there is still
so much for me to learn.
She talked about how your dossier has
to be exact if you say you want a boy from 5-7 but get an 8 year old you
have to have your dossier changed or you wont be able to bring him into France.
She also told us that only one certificate is given a month, I thought I misunderstood but
no only one certificate a month is given in the Gironde. We are in line to get ours in Jan!
Michael meets her for a one on one interview on Nov 3 and
I have a one on one with her Nov 13. His interview went well he was asked
about his parenting style and how he was raised.
We have finally got our psy apt for Nov 20
In the mean time Michael sold a house to a Colombian lady whos father is
a very well connected man in Bogotá. We asked her to help us find a good
orphanage, her father is friends with the head of Bienestar in Colombia and gave
us the contact to "casa de madre y niño" We contacted them and they gave
us Diaphanie agency in Paris who they work with. I have contacted Sophie and
all we need is our certificate in order to move forward.
In the mean time I am doing all kinds of research on Adoption trauma,
bonding and parenting an adoption child which is totally different then parenting your own.
I have the book Grace Based Parenting to re-read and spiritual parenting videos to watch.
My meeting with Mdm Lamothe on the 13th went very well. She went
through different scenarios as what to expect. Told me all the nightmare
stories from her experience and told me to go on line and read more, the reason
being you will be prepared if you see any signs from the stories you have read.
She told me to listen to Tatiana and her opinion of the child. She will not
be seeing through adult eyes which are more forgiving but will see
the child for what he is. She also said to really watch when the boy is
playing with other kids, does he have friends, is he kind to others? Does he
laugh if someone is hurt? Is he competitive? Is he alone in a corner?
You will learn a lot just watching how he plays with others.
We talked about attachment, is he attached to anyone at the orphanage?
Was he attached to his mother or father? Does he want to be adopted?
No sense adopting a child who is waiting for his mother he will never attach to you.
She told me a story about a little girl who's mom was a prostitute and use to
bring her clients home and have sex in front of her, both men and women.
The little girl saw her mom get beaten by clients, then one day she disappeared.
The little girl was adopted by a couple here in France and will not attach. The little
girl wants to know if her mom is alive and if she is coming back to get her. Even though
she has been given a loving and caring home she wants her real mom.
She also suggested I look at adoption in Chile.
They have one of the best programs in the world. The government there has a program for
children called SENAME the minute a child is born a file is started. This file follows you for
the rest of your life. When a child goes into an orphanage they already know everything about him/her. SENAME decides who is eligible for adoption. Your adoption agency will work with them
not the orphanage. They will look at the entire countries database for a match. This sounds
like such a excellent system because if the orphanage your agency is working with doesnt
have a match you have to find another agent or wait for a match. In Chile they look at ALL the orphanages for a match. I heard they take it very seriously and do give you the perfect match.
It does take time, its 6 months to get approved then a year to get matched.
I've emailed the one agency that works with Chile and am waiting for there response.
______________________
Today is March 5h 2018
We have been waiting for the therapist to fill out her paperwork. I have
to admit I did lose my patience, how is it possible she hasnt had time
to fill out her paperwork in 3 months!! Every time we called LaMotte
she told us there was nothing we could do about it but wait.
How is this allowed? There should be a time limit for her to have to hand
in her paperwork. No wonder people give up.
Today we called LaMotte again and our paperwork was finally turned in.
Bad news is we are the only adopting families this month so the committee has decided
not to meet till next month aargggg!!!
We have an appointment to get our seal of approval on April 12 2018.
________________________
Today is March 27
We got a call saying our paperwork was ready to be proofed for the April meeting
Michael read every line
May 11th
We finally got our papers!!! I had to go pick them up due to
May holidays and postal strikes. Ive sent them off to the agent.
its now June 13
I had no idea how much paperwork was involved in adoption. Now we have to…
1. Do a letter of intention (why we want to adopt)
2. Have our doctor fill out a medical certificate
3. go see a therapist thats in Paris, we have an apt first week of July.
4. do a family album, I started one on Shutterfly
5. fill out a financial record
6. get 3 reference letters
7. fill out a form on what kind of illness or handicap we will accept (it even asks if we will accept a kid with warts on their butt)
8. They need photos of us showing our feet (which is kinda funny)
9. All documents need to be apostilled
10. Do a family tree of both sides of family
11. We need recent copies of birth certificates and marriage license.
Once all this is done, I hand it in to the agent, she gets it translated and sends it to Colombia
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Cant believe I started this blog in March 2017, its now Sept 2018
After a year and a half our final paperwork is being sent.
Its incredible the amount of paperwork you have to do here in France, I suppose
thats why in the US you pay $25,000+ someone else does all the paperwork
for you. Here it costs $2000 for agency fees but you're on your own with the
paperwork. Once the agency receives our package she will include the psychological
report and an additional report that Marie the volunteer does. We did two phone calls with Marie
where she asked us a bunch of questions about or house and family life. Its all
really to help you get the best match possible. The biggest problem is how long all this
takes due to the agency staff being volunteers so you have to wait till they have the time.
Our file will go to the Colombian government first to be approved, once approved it
gets sent to "Casa" orphanage they will hopefully approve us and see if there is a
match for us.
On the paperwork we had to fill out we said NO to every option where they asked
if we would take a child with one eye or a missing limb or has an illness or
raped or HIV or burn marks...... 4 pages of possibilities we said no to all of them. The therapist told us if we said yes to any of them that is the child you will get. We are hoping for the
healthiest child possible. We are so happy our part is done and hope that all our paperwork is in order.
Im terrified that Sophie is going to call me and tell me Im missing paperwork :(
Oct 5th 2018
Yesterdays meeting with Sylvie was well worth the trouble, she shares her office with a travel agent. It was a very quirky office with stuff everywhere, brick walls, dim lighting. Her office was separated by a shower curtain, I really wanted to take a picture of it. She opened up by telling me she was worried about our adoption case, that Marie
felt we were in a cloud about the kind of boy we wanted. I was annoyed because Marie was completely useless and still hasnt handed in her paperwork. I told her Marie asked me what was my dream, so I told her my dream. Then she went on criticizing my dream by telling me Ill never get a boy like that. I stopped her and told her “you asked me for my dream, not what I really think I will get.” Well she went and told Sylvie that I had unrealistic dreams. I again explained to her that I am well aware of adoption trauma, Ive read books, talked to friends who have adopted. She said it wasnt enough and
it wasnt realistic. I know it wont be easy. Sylvie still kept looking at me like “she has no idea” Which I dont, I am entering this with God at my sails. She went on and told me all the nightmare adoption stories, the air in the room started feeling ugly. At that point I just started praying, praying for Satan to leave the room. Suddenly she stopped and said “well lets just look at your dossier” AMEN!
I know you will ask what was my dream so here it is….that the boy quickly bonds with us and it will be like he always belongs to us. That he has suffered minor trauma. That he loves sports and him and Michael enjoy activities together.
That he is gifted and we help him realize his potential. That he is gentle, kind, thoughtful and puts others first. That he loves Jesus (this I kept to myself). I dont think Im asking for the impossible.
Both Sylvie and Marie also adopted girls and right now they are teens and they are having big problems with them. It is why they look at me and think “just wait” you dont need to adopt to have teen problems.
Finally getting to the paperwork, she went through every page with me and showed me examples on her computer. I didnt realize that every single document has to be certified and apostilled. Even our family tree and copies of our passport we have to sign it, have signature certified then have it apostilled. The medical certificate done by our doctor has to certified by the Board of Medicine in Paris then sent in to be apostilled in Paris not Bordeaux. They will accept our criminal record from France (prayer answered, I was worried they would need the criminal record from the US, it takes 3 months to get it from the FBI). The French record has to be sent to Reims to be apostilled not Bordeaux not Paris. I would never have figured all that out with a phone call. She was right my dossier was all wrong.
Before the meeting ended she asked me if I was open to adopt from another agency or only Casa. I told her I was open. She told me Casa was really strict and has huge requirements and she feels Lorena (Casa) will not accept us because of our age and because we dont live near family. Even though we fly to London frequently and my family from US visits and we visit them, they dont live here. We would really have to convince her that we have friends in Bordeaux and the little boy will not be all alone with us. I told her my daughter survived and all her friends were kids at school. She told me Lorena has a vision that her adopted kids are surrounded by family at all times. She asked if I wouldnt mind adopting a child from CRAN, in her
opinion it was a better orphanage than Casa and much easier requirements but 2000€ more. I told her I was open and she quickly sent a text to her contact in Colombia. She told me when I send in my paperwork to the government I have to write which orphanage I will adopt from if they approve and you get rejected by Casa you cant reapply to Cran. The way to go around that is finding out first who you have a better chance with then going with that orphanage. She said she would also
talk with Lorena and see if we have any kind of chance otherwise we will go with Cran.
When I left the meeting I felt very hopeful. I quickly took 3 trains to get to the Medical board in Paris to hand in our medical certificates. When I arrived she told me to come back tomorrow to pick them up but I cant :( They will mail them to me. Then I will re-mail them to get Apostilled. While on the train we passed the eiffel tower with the view of the river it was so beautiful
and surreal because I have never been to Paris for just 4 hours and to get warm and sunny day in Oct felt unreal.
Today Im redoing all our paperwork, my goal is to have them all done by Oct 27 when the agency is having a big party.
___________________
It is now Dec 14 2018
At this point we feel frustrated, we have been told that we can only get
a 10 year old, which is fine but now we have to redo our paperwork.
Our paperwork shows we would like a boy up to the age of 9 they have to
now change it to say 10. It seems like an easy thing to do but NOT if you are in France.
We now have to see another therapist next week and our paperwork goes
in front of a committee on Jan 17 for approval. Our agent is absolutely
useless, she hasnt helped us at all. She could have told us from the beginning
to put 10 on our dossier but she didnt say anything till now. We even asked
her if it was possible to get the boy in Dec and she said it would be no problem.
We had a 3 way telephone conversation with Mr Hanneuse (who has taken over for Mdm LaMotte) and she told him that the orphanage needs 3 months after approval to prepare the boy. She never told us this and made us look like idiots in front of Mr Hanneuse when
we told him we wanted to get him during Christmas holiday.
He now thinks we have no idea what we are in for and is sending us
to a therapist. Im so disgusted by the whole system. Mr Hanneuse talks to us
like we are children. We realized that the American optimism works
against us in this pessimistic country. Every time we say something positive we
get the tisk, tisk, they are dreamers, when they get the boy it will end up back
in foster care. We are at their mercy with no escape. Next week at our
therapy session we have to be as negative as possible to be taken seriously.
___________________________________
End of Dec___________________
It is now Dec 14 2018
At this point we feel frustrated, we have been told that we can only get
a 10 year old, which is fine but now we have to redo our paperwork.
Our paperwork shows we would like a boy up to the age of 9 they have to
now change it to say 10. It seems like an easy thing to do but NOT if you are in France.
We now have to see another therapist next week and our paperwork goes
in front of a committee on Jan 17 for approval. Our agent is absolutely
useless, she hasnt helped us at all. She could have told us from the beginning
to put 10 on our dossier but she didnt say anything till now. We even asked
her if it was possible to get the boy in Dec and she said it would be no problem.
We had a 3 way telephone conversation with Mr Hanneuse (who has taken over for Mdm LaMotte) and she told him that the orphanage needs 3 months after approval to prepare the boy. She never told us this and made us look like idiots in front of Mr Hanneuse when
we told him we wanted to get him during Christmas holiday.
He now thinks we have no idea what we are in for and is sending us
to a therapist. Im so disgusted by the whole system. Mr Hanneuse talks to us
like we are children. We realized that the American optimism works
against us in this pessimistic country. Every time we say something positive we
get the tisk, tisk, they are dreamers, when they get the boy it will end up back
in foster care. We are at their mercy with no escape. Next week at our
therapy session we have to be as negative as possible to be taken seriously.
___________________________________
We have seen the therapist and it was really hard convincing her we
understand what it takes to adopt a 10 year old boy. It didnt seem like
she was going to give us her approval. She said she would do her best
to give us a positive review.
Jan 5
Our board meeting is Jan 17th where they approve us adopting a 10 year old boy
we were told we could plea our case. We came up with a powerpoint
presentation that I had to have translated. We dont want to be misunderstood.
Jan 10
I was googling to look at some of the waiting children in Colombia
when I came across a boy called Jorge. I contacted the agency in Illinois
and spoke with Misty. She asked us about our adoption project and we told
her our situation. At the end of our conversation she told us
we were not allowed to adopt through a French agency we had
to adopt through a US agency if our boy was to be an American.
She also told us that adopting through the US age of boy is not a problem.
I looked up what she said on the USCIS website and she was right.
I looked up her agency and it was one recommend by USCIS and certified Hague
and experienced with expats. Thank you LORD! We had several
conversations with Misty and she spoke with her rep in Colombia
who suggested to stop our process in France. We did that
contacted Mr Haneuse and told him we will not be going
to our meeting on the 17 and called our French agent and terminated
our contract.
Opened a bottle of Champagne woo hoo!!
We have now signed up with Madison agency, they will
accept all our homestudy paperwork. There is just the USCIS paperwork
that we need to do and we are hopefully finished.
We have also signed an intent to adopt form for this beautiful boy!!
Today Feb 8, 2019 this arrived in the mail! More
paperwork!!!
March 12 2019
Things have taken a turn for the worse, we cant get the French government to sign our
updates. We need to include some American paperwork in our homestudy but
they have to sign them and they wont.
So our only choice is to find a new homestudy provider but most want to
be our homestudy and primary agent, that means letting go of Madison which
we dont want to do. We have found an agency in Utah, Wasatch International Adoptions
that will take us on with all our original paperwork they have an agent in Germany that
can do our homestudy. They work with a lot of military families.
The only thing is they need an approval from Central Authority. I dont
even know what that means, just more red tape. UGHHHH
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